Thanksgiving break has arrived. I don't know where the time has gone, but the holidays are here.
Some people have asked me recently how I'm doing. It's a simple question, asked by friends who care, and I'm glad they did. They made me think.
I'm amazed that the fall term is almost over. I was thinking about how time slips away from us, and in doing so, I began to wonder if my life is where I want it to be. Have I made progress since the beginning of my first term back to college? Did I meet my goals? Did my life improve as I'd planned? All these questions and more.
Basically, I believe it all boils down to
balance. I asked myself, do I have balance in my life? It's what I believe in, as I've mentioned in previous posts. It's what I've tried to achieve. I thought I had it, but the answer was surprisingly, not as much as I'd like.
I realized that I have met some goals, but not all of them. My life has taken a step in the right direction for meeting my goals, but I'm not quite where I'd anticipated I'd be at this point in time. So, I asked myself another question... What needs to change?
I began by thinking about what makes some of us able to reach our goals more easily than others. Self-discipline is one thing that shapes our lives. How is it that some of us are very good at self-discipline, and others struggle with it? There are probably a million answers to this question, so I thought I'd dig deeper. I think the answer lies not only in the balance within our lives, but in the balance within
us.
I believe it's possible to err too far on both ends of the spectrum with self-discipline. Some people have too little self-discipline, while others have too much. Balance. What does that word mean? Well, I was curious about how many different interpretations are contained within the word, so I took a big breath and decided to dig into the matter even deeper yet.
I started with
dictionary.com .
I would have pasted the full answer here, but as it turns out, it's simply too long. I'll post the beginning, and you can follow the link to see the rest if you're curious.
bal·ance /ˈbæləns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[bal-uhns] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, -anced, -anc·ing.–noun1.a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.2.something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.3.mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.4.a state of bodily equilibrium: He lost his balance and fell down the stairs.5.an instrument for determining weight, typically by the equilibrium of a bar with a fulcrum at the center, from each end of which is suspended a scale or pan, one holding an object of known weight, and the other holding the object to be weighed.6.the remainder or rest: He carried what he could and left the balance for his brother to bring.7.the power or ability to decide an outcome by throwing one's strength, influence, support, or the like, to one side or the other.8.(in wine making) the degree to which all the attributes of a wine are in harmony, with none either too prominent or deficient. Number 1 and 2 are rather vague and could apply to pretty much anything.
Number 4, I relate to in terms of body chemistry. Maybe that's just my lab background.
Number 5, and 6, I relate also to my background. (
Hmm, I see a theme developing.) Number 5 reminds me of all the equipment calibrating I've done over the years. From
MLA pipets to chemistry and hematology analyzers. Lots of calibrations... (lab equipment must be maintained in operational balance at all times--maybe we should do this for ourselves too? Read on...)
Number 6 reminds me of the great lab teams I've worked with.
Working in the lab was all about teamwork, especially on the off shifts. Typically on the off shifts, there are less techs to cover the work. While the daily phlebotomy rounding on the bulk of the inpatients is completed, there are still scheduled rounds that continue on certain patients, the ER activity will often become very busy, and there is still the delivery room and operating room after hours to cover, which can be intense, complicated cases. Also, sometimes, when the
phlebs or the nurses can't get blood from a patient, the techs are called. We are then expected to produce the needed samples, while leaving our bench work to sit until we return. At that point, as you can imagine, it's double speed (with accuracy) that's needed to catch up on the work.
So, I had to carry my load, and so did the other techs. I was very fortunate to work with many good people over the years. Only once or twice did I run into someone who was a slacker, and believe me, it was dealt with swiftly. In that environment, there is no room for laziness--or unbalanced egos (more on the latter below to see how it relates here). It's all about quality patient care, and the team has to operate smoothly.
How does this relate to our self-discipline? Well, our focus was drawn in different places at one time. We were expected to get the job done no matter what the circumstances, and even if our energy was pulled in one direction more than another, we could never neglect the work that waited.
It was a constant,
conscious effort, to re-focus energy, keep the process moving, and above all, accomplish our tasks with accuracy and precision.
The point is, if you look at the process of my former job in the lab, it closely mimics the process of our emotional system. The emotional system that is comprised, according to Freud, of the id, the ego, and the super-ego. The continuous ebb and flow of energy between the id and the super-ego that is moderated by the
ego. Keep this thought in mind.
Continuing, number 8--now I can also relate to a good glass of wine,
lol, but half a glass at a time, and only on special occasions, please. What can I say? I'm a cheap date. ;) (May I suggest
Caymus Vineyard's Conundrum? Now there's a nice
Napa Valley blend...)
Now for the two I'm particularly interested in for this post. Number 3, and number 7.
How good is your abstract thinking? Can you pull out the meaning behind number 3 and 7? For purposes of helping with our daily "life balance" that we all struggle with from time to time, I thought I'd try.
For starters, let's go back to the question above. Why are some people challenged by self-discipline more than others?
Well, I believe it's true that self-discipline and life balance are strongly related. Each of us have developed a set of standards that make up the framework of who we are. We develop these standards according to our individual needs and refine them according to change and growth.
While we are all human, within that human category, we are all different personalities, each with our own need driven qualities that make us who we are. Many of these qualities are shaped from childhood, before we have developed the skill to guide them, but by the time we grow into adulthood, most of us have become fairly skilled at taking control of how we process information, and we are able to guide our thoughts and actions fairly well. Or are we?
Let's take a closer look at definition Number 3:
3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.It takes balance to maintain a state of emotional stability, calm behavior, and rational judgment, yes?
Now we're getting somewhere.
Look at definition Number 7:
7. the power or ability to decide an outcome by throwing one's strength, influence, support, or the like, to one side or the other.
Does this hit home for anyone? Have you ever been faced with making a decision, knowing that the outcome may bring aspects with it you may not necessarily want, or knowing that by making a decision, that it will bring about certain effects that you will have to live with? Maybe even an outcome that will profoundly change your life forever?
What exactly are we talking about? Balance, of course. The need to make decisions that will bring about and maintain balance in your life. It's an ongoing process. Most importantly, good decision making is rooted in emotional balance.
When your life is out of balance, YOU are out of balance, and in turn, you're out of balance with your emotions, your needs, your family, your friends, and the world around you. It takes energy to deal with imbalance. The more energy you use up trying to control the damage the unbalance does, the less energy you have to put forth toward living a
healthy functional life.
Take a peek at
this article by Kendra Van Wagner, that nicely summarizes the forces that drive the human personality (according to Freud, that is). Pay particular attention to the last paragraph about
ego strength.
"Ego Strength" (From
Kendra Van Wagner's article)
Definition: In Freud’s psychoanalytic theory of personality, ego strength is the ability of the ego to effectively deal with the demands of the id, the superego, and reality. Those with little ego strength may feel torn between these competing demands, while those with too much ego strength can become too unyielding and rigid. Ego strength helps us maintain emotional stability and cope with internal and external stress.What makes some of us have more ego strength, while others have less? Could it be balance? If we don't have the proper balance in our lives needed for sustaining a healthy mental state, it takes strength away from the ego. When the ego uses up available energy by striving to keep one component of our system in balance, say, for example, the id, it's "hogging" energy needed to keep the super-ego happy, and the opposite is also true. When the ego uses up energy to deal with the super-ego, the id is unhappy.
Also, the ego does all this work largely in our
unconscious area of operation. It's working independently of our conscious influence, according to what it perceives our beliefs are, to keep us happy (It has a tough job!). When the id or the super-ego get out of line, the ego exerts energy to put them back in line. But the ego has limits, and we might even say that those limits are pretty much set by the amount of tolerance we give it to deal with stress.
Examine the following general interpretation of ego a little more closely. "He/she has a huge ego!" Well, like the word
balance, there are several contexts you can interpret the word
ego into. In this case, it's an insult, of course. It seems to indicate that the ego is a part of us that is negative, and if given free rein, will make arrogant cusses out of the best of us.
In reality, this simply isn't true. In fact, according to Freud's definition, if we all had big egos, (where big translates into strong or healthy), we'd all be functioning as emotionally balanced individuals.
There are many spins on the word
ego. Having too small of an ego is often translated as not having enough self-confidence or an inferiority issue, while having too large an ego is viewed as being arrogant or self-righteous. In this connotation, some truth can actually be found if we search closely enough; however, it's still not entirely accurate to leave the definition here.
I suppose if you loosen Freud's definition, some of the various translations that have become attached to the word
ego aren't too far off of what I just mentioned, however; please keep in mind that Freud's original definition, or at least, the
ego idea he actually created, and the one that started the entire topic many years ago in the first place, pinpoints his view of the ego's
function more precisely.
For the purpose of this post, I'm referring to the ego as it's described it in the article above, which refers to this original view. No more, no less.
In simple terms, I believe this could translate into the following theory: When you're stressed, and either the id or the super-ego require too much attention from the ego, you're going to be off balance because the attention/energy is focused unevenly in our "emotional system".
On the surface, the process itself is a little like my lab job was, but in my lab job, I made
conscious decisions. The ego has it a little tougher (remember, we're talking about Freud's definition of the ego). The ego is continually adjusting the balance point for the ebb and flow of the energy to the id and super-ego, and it operates largely on an
unconscious level, while we are constantly feeding it more information to process. It has its own demands, plus the new demands we place upon it to deal with.
Sometimes we experience events that place an enormous amount of stress on the ego. Death of a loved one, where the ego will be busy trying to satisfy the id who cries out like a child for TLC, or divorce, which can also cause undue stress, and in itself, is similar to death--as in the death of a relationship--especially if you weren't expecting it. Issues with our children, illness, accidents...all these things and more can cause the ego to be depleted of strength/energy.
When the ego is taxed too heavily, or you ask too much of the ego, it is in danger of going into melt down. It can malfunction, or even shut down, causing various types of psychological concerns like anxiety, depression, or worse.
It's important to take care of the ego so it can take care of us. I believe it's important to help the ego grow stronger as well, so we are better able to handle stress. Everything in moderation, of course, because strength and learning take place in steps. Be patient with yourself,
and your ego. The point is, we all need self-discipline, and we all need to master maintaining the threshold of self-discipline where we function best. When we do, we'll find balance.
Some events we have no control over, but some we do. When we opt to let our life balance get off kilter by consciously over-taxing our egos (by accepting too much responsibility at work, or agreeing to something we aren't equipped or ready to handle etc.), we actively place ourselves in the precarious position of losing the ability to make rational decisions. If left unchecked, this can be the beginning of a dangerous road.
I believe that whether or not our life balance is adjusted properly is directly related to our decision making process. This can be a vicious cycle, because if your life is out of balance, this means you might not be capable of making wise decisions, and yet, if you can't make wise decisions, how do you make the choices that will get your life back in balance?
Stop the madness.
We all make decisions daily about the issues that
confront us in life. Wait a minute. I've heard a lot of people talk this way. We do a lot of damage by using negative forms of speech. (I'm guilty of this at times as well.) Since the way we perceive situations has a huge impact on how we react, why not do ourselves a favor and give ourselves advantages where we can?
Why does it have to be that issues "confront" us in life? Language can be a powerful tool. What if I had said instead, "We all make daily decisions about the issues that life
gives us"? It has a nicer tone, right? It's much less, well...it's much less "confrontational".
In the first sentence, it sounds like we wake up every day and must get ready to do battle with all the issues that life is going to hurl at us. Don your battle dress!
In the second version, it sounds like life is giving us something, but what? Well, let's think about this from a positive angle. Maybe an opportunity to grow and learn? Maybe an opportunity to experience life to the fullest, through not only good experiences, but also with the not so good experiences in which we grow and reach satisfying fulfillment after we've completed the "
working through" process (another Freudian term). The process that actually enables us to grow, learn, and gain strength ...
So, maybe we need some challenges, but maybe only those that will produce a positive change, or growth in our lives. Maybe we need to think about what we can control and what we can't, and make an effort to selectively administer decisions that will keep our lives in balance.
How we each handle stress is individual, and it all goes back to maintaining a good life balance so that we can let our emotional system (the id, ego, and superego) function in harmony. That point is different for all of us, and it also changes as we learn, grow, and live our lives each day.
Moving on... It's a known fact that emotional imbalance can cause biological upset that leads to all sorts of complications in our lives from relationship struggles to physical illness. All the more reason to implement
self-discipline,
make good decisions, and
to acquire and maintain balance in life.
In today's complicated society, we have all sorts of expectations placed upon us that keep us busy. In fact, we get so busy, we forget to take care of ourselves, both physically (who hasn't been so busy, they forgot, or didn't get a chance to eat all day), and mentally (who hasn't been so mentally drained at the end of a day that all you can do is crawl into bed and fall into an exhausted sleep?)
Is it any wonder we have an increasing number of depressed people among us? Think about why many of us fall victim to depression. Stress can play a huge role in
clinical depression, which is a common type of depression that a surprisingly large number of people have dealt with at one time or another.
Again, some things we can control, and others we can't.
By making decisions about the things we can control, we help bring balance to our lives. We can achieve more not only for ourselves, but more for those who are important in our lives. When we're truly happy, we have the capacity to look outward more, rather than focusing inward on the problems that sap our strength (balance).
So, to a certain extent, I believe we make our own destiny. Again, while there are certain things in life we can not control, I believe there is a very large portion of things we CAN control in our lives, and in our destiny.
For example, we may not be able to control that nasty check out lady, or the rude motorist, or, on a relationship level, the hurtful words or actions from a loved one, but let's back up and look at the big picture. What caused that person to be nasty, rude, or hurtful? Was it caused by us? Could we have changed the behavior in any way by something we could have done or said?
If so, maybe we should take a closer look at what caused US to behave the way we did. Could it be a lack of balance in our life that made us handle a situation poorly? If so, then we need to figure out where to begin with making some changes from within ourself that will enhance our life and in turn, the life of those we love. Counseling is a great place to start, and start sooner, rather than later.
If there was nothing we could have done to prevent a negative situation, because, of course, we are perfect (tongue in cheek), and we were not to blame for an issue that life has "given" us, then we still need to take a look at the balance in our lives, because we need to be making decisions (on the things we can control) that will place us in circumstances that allow us to live that balanced life that we seek.
Okay, so we can't do much about the way a stranger treats us in a check out line except maybe to show compassion for what they might be enduring in their lives that made them behave that way.
In our own lives, by examining the way we have set our lives up, there are some things we
can do. If you don't like the way a situation in your life is, think about what you can do to make it better. Always remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, and that you should always treat others with respect as well, but that doesn't mean being a doormat either.
Is your job fulfilling? Is your home life peaceful? Do you have good friends who you can spend time with? Where/how do you see yourself in ten years? Twenty years?
Ask yourself these questions and also, take a look at whether or not your life is balanced (in the Fruedian terms I've mentioned, of course). Is your ego running smoothly? Or does it need fine tuned?
If you are doing okay, then pat yourself on the back and keep up the good work. If not, then think about what adjustments might be made so that you can place yourself where you want to be in life...peaceful, happy, fulfilled, loved, successful, and all the other positive aspects that life has to offer us.
Assess your self-discipline. Is it too little? Is it too much? Either extreme can sap the strength from your emotional system and make you miserable. Too little self-discipline lets the id run rampant, and you'll be reacting to stress by having a melt down. Too much self-discipline lets the super-ego's anal compulsive nature take over, and you find yourself on auto-pilot with a numb existence. Find the balance. Life can be beautiful when you do.
I'm working on tweaking the balance in my life, and making the changes needed to get me the rest of the way to my goals. Life itself is an ongoing process.
I hope everyone enjoys the Thanksgiving holiday. Make the most of what life gives you, and don't forget to ask a friend how they're doing. :)
Stay safe,
Lee
